I’m not real sure what number this chapter will be, but I’m guessing it will be near the middle. My next book, Smile Again is a letter to myself. Within those pages I will have some very, very  low moments and some very, very high moments. One thing y’all know by now is that it will be raw, real, and honest. Hold on to your hats…this chapter is about to be as real as it gets…

“I’ve found a number of truths over the past ten months. I’ve searched them out and I’ve dug for answers when digging wasn’t easy. I’ve found myself standing still, mouth dropped open, staring at people who had just said something so hurtful and outrageous more times than I can count. I’ve gotten mad, cussed a lot, and thrown quite a few hissy fits. I’ve written things on my computer screen that burned my own eyes and I erased it before it could burn out someone else’s!

I’ve felt sorry for other people who have gone out of their way to run me down and talk about me behind my back. I’ve prayed fire and brimstone on several people’s heads and then kicked myself and crawled to God asking Him for forgiveness. I’ve failed miserably in my daily walk through this life and I’ve cried more tears in ten months than in all of the rest of my life combined.

My hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment with God, Greg, and life in general threatened to consume me at one point. And, I almost let it. Thankfully, I have a Mama and a God who love me despite my awful self. Without them holding me accountable, I don’t know what I might have done to more than one person in my life. I don’t back down easily, especially when I’m angry. However, it literally makes me sick to have to engage in arguments. I don’t handle those situations well at all. I don’t handle disappointing people or letting them down in any way easily either. I truly hate it. I prefer sunshine and rainbows…don’t you?

Too bad that’s not how life works. Man, I wish it were though!! Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to sail smoothly through life with no worries, problems, losses, or tears? I blame Eve for all of this…a little self-control would have helped us all out girlfriend! Just a little smidge of SELF-CONTROL. Ugh!

Instead, she had to give in and eat that piece of forbidden fruit and the rest of us have to live with her extremely bad decision. It’s so not fair. Deep down inside of me is that really mean Emily that just wants to slap Eve until she turns blue. Ya know? I mean how selfish could she possibly be? One bite and every person ever to be created after her has to suffer. Seriously?!

I look around me today and I see so many people hurting. I have friends and family who are watching their loved ones loose their fight against cancer. I have people who share the pain and agony they are feeling with me now because they lost their spouse also. I am witnessing children who can’t figure out how to move forward without their parent and it breaks my heart. All because one woman didn’t exercise a tiny  bit of self-control.

Does that make anyone else mad? Or is it just me? Maybe I’m just MAD. Sometimes, I truly believe it helps to get rip roaring, guns blazing, sword swinging, chair throwing MAD. Jesus did. He got mad and he cleaned some plows. I believe I know exactly how he felt when he cleaned out that courtyard right about now.

I don’t know for sure, but I’d be willing to bet that those poor souls’ lack of self-control was the final straw for Jesus that day. We already know it was the final straw for Eve. Today, I’m saying it’s the final straw for me, too.

People who do not exercise self-control when it comes to running their mouths about things they know nothing about DRIVE ME INSANE. And, more than that….People who call themselves Christians and tilt their heads like they are holier than thou and talk about other Christians behind their backs make me want to throat punch them. Too bad I know how to exercise self-control in times like these…

I realized today that I truly am feeling emotions again. I haven’t “felt” anything for ten months. I’ve reacted to feelings by smiling, laughing, crying, and listening; but I haven’t FELT them. It’s just so weird. It’s also sad to me that the first thing I truly felt was anger. Why couldn’t it have been happiness? Why did my first feeling have to be anger? Dang you, Eve!

Hump. Well, I guess I have a choice to make. I can either stay MAD and find some tables to throw around…or I can take a deep breath and calm down. Which one will I choose? Probably the one that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg! Haha!

Seriously, I guess I just have to do like God does and forgive the ignorance and the lack of self-control some people have. I guess I’ll just pray for them and ask God to forgive my very, very bad thoughts about them as well. I guess I’ll just let all of the negativity roll off of my back like water off of a duck’s back. I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to be hateful, hurtful, or mean spirited. I refuse to let Satan win. I will run to my Savior and I will beg for him to protect me.

I’m not fighting this battle alone. Thank goodness!! It makes me sad to realize how awful this life can be, but it also makes me happy to know that this isn’t all there is! I’m gonna focus on the end goal. I’m gonna seek out happiness. I’m gonna do whatever it takes to not give in to my sinful self. And, I’m not gonna throw any tables around just yet.  I hope you see me trying, God. It’s so hard, but I am trying.” ~ excerpt from Smile Again, ©2017 by Emily Hubbert