So, I need to vent for a minute. One year ago today I lost my grandmother. Today, I lost my great-uncle. I am in a never-ending war with my emotions. My anniversary was last weekend. Linnie’s birthday is this coming weekend. My house is not finished. I managed to hurt my back working on the house Saturday. I have four upcoming speaking engagements and YES, I am going back to work at WES in August. My grandfather is not doing well at all (he started radiation today). I have to move into the house without Greg’s things: which means that I have to actually go through his closet and drawers soon. I have a list of people who need to grow up and get over themselves because their childishness is affecting my children and I won’t play nice much longer where my girls are involved. Basically, I am teetering on the edge of a massive nervous breakdown and all I want to do is go to sleep and forget about all of it. I have been so ill and plain out hateful to some of the kindest people in my life lately…and I could literally chew through nails at the moment. The only question circling through my mind over and over is: Does It Ever End or Get Better?
As I drove home from yet another trip to Lowes this afternoon, I was listening to Andy Andrews on my CD player. I have read The Noticer, The Noticer Returns, and now I am listening to Becoming a Noticer. I realized in November 2012 that I needed to change some things in my life. A friend suggested that I start reading Andy’s books…and my life literally changed from that point forward. I did not realize how much it had changed until this afternoon!
It hit me as I drove home that I had written down a list of goals in 2012. I had that list tucked away in a cabinet…and I swiftly pulled that baby out as soon as I got home. I had written 122 things that I wanted to “acquire, become, see, get, and do in the next 10 years”. Do you know how many of those things I was able to check off the list today?
Seventy things like: Travel, Granite Countertops, Write a Book, Public Speaking, Smile Often, Meet New People, Have More Friends, Laugh A Lot, Help People, Study My Bible More, Share My Successes, Lead-Not Follow, Go See My Friends in Iowa, Take My Whole Extended Family on a Trip, Buy myself a Red/White Checkered Hand-Made Quilt, See My Girls Saved and Baptized, Love Unconditionally, Take 2 to 3 Week Vacations, Buy a Good Camera, Be Happy, Publish a Book, and Enjoy Everyday…
As I looked over that list of things I deemed important for myself and my family way back in 2012, I realized that on this particular day…I had dropped the ball. I gave in to my hurt…my anger…my pain. I longed for the days that used to be. I grieved for the passing of my loved ones. I got mad about the things I truly cannot do anything about…And, I asked myself over and over again if it will ever end or get better. July 11th will always be a sad day for me and my family, but so will a whole lot of other days if I CHOOSE to allow them to stay sad.
Did you catch that? Sadness…just like happiness…is a choice. I can choose to stay sad…or I can choose to remember things about my loved ones that make me happy. Emotionally, it is good that I am sad for the losses me and my family have suffered so overwhelmingly lately, because it means that we truly LOVED. Having loved is a gift.
I sit here tonight and I realize that my stinkin’ thinkin’ was in overload today…but I will try again tomorrow.
I am sad…and being sad is OK.
Choosing to stay sad is not OK.
I have to choose to keep on going. Keep on living. Keep on doing the things that make me happy. Keep on fighting for my girls’ happiness. Part of me is really jealous that Me-Maw, Greg, Aunt Martha, and now Uncle Gene are already in Heaven. They don’t have to fight these emotional battles anymore…and that must be very nice. One day…that will be me.
Until then, I guess I’ll just stay here and stay real. Life is no bed of roses. It is HARD. Some days I’m sure you wonder if it will ever end too…right? I’m willing to bet you do!
Even with all of the horrible, tragic, unnecessary things going on in the world today we can all do one thing: We can choose to LOVE one another! We can choose not to give up or give in. We can make the decision every moment of every day to just love the people in our lives…and by doing so we won’t have to worry about when or if life’s misery will ever end. Misery is never going to end in this world, but take heart…Jesus has overcome the world and HE is coming back for His children soon. I, personally can not wait!
Choose to love each other…and yourselves while we are here y’all. Choose it…chase it…express it…and never, ever give up on it. Love until it hurts…and then love some more. Together, we can make it to the finish line!