Sundays are tough for me. I could write a whole blog post about why…and the things that I battle when it comes to facing this day each week…and I might do that one day. However, today the toughness I am facing doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with all of that baggage…except that I am by myself.
My girls saw an opportunity to go to the farm with Papaw yesterday…and they took it! I got this a few minutes ago…
I’m glad to see all of those smiles!!
While all of those smiling faces are cheezing it up at the farm…I’ve been home alone all day. Being alone on Sundays is a recipe for sadness for me. I would say disaster…but it’s not total despair anymore like it was three months ago. Tears still come easily when memories take over; but I am stronger now I guess and I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I can recognize that I am just sad. That’s GROWTH and HEALING right there my friends!
Today, instead of being immobile like I would have been a few weeks ago…I have energy. I walked outside and I saw beauty all around me. I stopped to take a pic, because today is what we call a “Mackinaw Day” (Supposed to be Mackinac, but we do live in Alabama!) in my family.
I was reminded about the day we built this birdhouse…and I smiled. Funny how you remember exact conversations sometimes…
Anyway, yesterday Daddy hung the sheetrock in Maggie’s bedroom. There is sheetrock mess all over the place. That’s OK though because I can clean it all up. We haven’t finished mudding or sanding the girls walls yet. Slowly but surely we will get it all done.
As I was working away trying to clean up all of the mess that accumulates all over the place like: tools, extension cords, tape measures, cups, bottles, trash, light fixtures, screens, vent covers, sawdust, yada, yada, yada…I get a text from Stephen: They will be here at 4:00 tomorrow to paint. I have to get everything ready! Yay!! I can’t wait to see paint on these walls!
First, I have to get the windows taped off. Thanks to Bo I have this handy-dandy gadget that not only makes my arm look sexy…it is the bomb dot com for taping off windows! It took me all of 30 minutes to tape all of the windows in my house. That’s cool y’all. Very cool.
Then, I had to tackle moving all of the mess that didn’t belong in here for the time being. After what seems like 700 trips back and forth I finally got it all moved out and put back where it belongs.
After that I started cleaning out Greg’s work trailer. That thing was pitiful…and way past the need for a good clean up. I have a list of tools I can’t find. I am hoping they magically appear out of this chaos. Good thing I don’t mind working huh?!
When I got the trailer to the point that I could actually walk into it, I started on my next project…de-nailing these beams.
What some folks would burn (gasp!) I can’t wait to see made into beautiful accents. It takes time…and effort…and the realization that your hands and arms are gonna look like this…
but it’s worth it in the long run!
I listen to the radio pretty much all of the time while I’m working…or driving…or just sitting at home. There is usually always music of some kind playing on a device near me. As I worked this morning, I heard Danny Gokey’s song “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” on the radio and it stopped me dead in my tracks.
Yes, I have heard it many times before.
Yes, I have cried as I listened to it…many times before.
Yes, I know the reason he wrote it…and the meaning behind his use of words throughout the song.
Only, today I heard them…and understood them on a whole new level.
My heart IS beating again!
“Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday’s a closing door You don’t live there anymore Say goodbye to where you’ve been And tell your heart to beat again”
This house project literally feels like it will never end. It’s like Groundhog Day…over and over and over again! I am so sick and tired of working on…thinking about….stressing out about….and making decisions about this house that I could literally scream. But, today I was reminded that I have CHOSEN to let my heart beat again. I am standing at an open door. That’s when it hit me…I can do this. I DO have what it takes to keep going and to finish this neverending project! Miracle Alert!!!!
It may be Sunday. It may be the saddest day of the week for me. It may seem like this project that Greg and I started over seven years ago is NEVER going to end. It may cause a whole lot of scars on the outside of my body. It may knock me on my rear end, but I guarantee you one thing…my heart IS beating again!
Anybody can give up…or give in; but that’s not me. It’s not who I am. I don’t quit without a fight. Getting back up is my only choice. Choosing to take that breath and open my eyes hurts more than I could ever have imagined, but I am doing it. I have not put a for sale sign in my yard. I have not struck a match and burned the thing to the ground. I have kept my promise to keep on living…and working….and slowly but surely I am finding real happiness again. My heartbeat reminds me that it’s true. Hearing that song today showed me how far I have come…and that I can keep going.
After realizing these things, I heard Casting Crowns come on the radio a little while later. “Held” was a song that I literally clung to for dear life for quite a while. I prayed it, sang it, and believed it through the darkest days of September, October, November, and December. When I listened to it today, I realized that God had fulfilled that promise to me.
He has held me…and now I can breathe.
My heart beats again.
I can truly smile again….even through the tears at times.
I can laugh and it doesn’t hurt.
I find myself looking forward instead of back.
I’m standing in Grace and I see the light shining into my future.
I’m telling you what…that is just plain ol’ awesome!
I went to church tonight and watched one of Greg’s good friends get baptized. I know he would have been beside himself if he were here. I stopped in the cemetery before going into the church and told him about it. I also told him that I am trying to do my best to live. I know he understands somehow…and I cried buckets before going into that church. Knowing that I don’t live there anymore and that I am standing at an open door is emotionally draining, but my heart is beating again.
I hope you will choose to breathe again and get back up if you are knocked down. The pain you are facing in whatever situation you find yourself in…can’t last forever. In fact, God promises us that it won’t last forever. I am encouraged by that…and maybe you will be too. Take a minute to listen to music that will help you see hope in your future. I know it sure helped me today!