“Those people who know they have great spiritual needs are happy, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to them” ~ Matthew 5:3
“I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses, then Christ’s power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ; because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
What a crazy twenty-four hours this has been for me! I have literally been through every emotion there is…and maybe a few that no one even knew existed! I am so blown away by your responses to my story.
Last night I sat here in my chair (wink!) and tried to figure out what it was that resonated so much with all of you. If you could walk with me everyday you would see a very emotionally erratic person. I struggle to conquer my emotions most of the time. I retreat into my shell of a self around people. I shut people out…especially people who know me best because I do not want to face the rawness that my emotional instability causes. It’s painful! Who would want to face all of these emotions everyday? Not me!
I am a realist. I always have been. It’s very hard for me to do anything silly most of the time. I laugh and have fun, don’t get me wrong. But, I don’t really understand why Will Farrell movies are so hilarious. I don’t get why people are so obsessed with super heroes or Star Wars. It’s just never really made sense to me at all. Don’t hate…I’m just telling you that I personally don’t get it. It’s OK if you do!
So, as a realist I am very hard on myself. I know that life is not always rainbows and sugar sunrises. I know that I am a difficult person to deal with if I have made up my mind on a certain subject. I don’t bend on issues that I feel are important. And I HATE being an emotional mess! I like being in control…there I said it! It’s part of who I am. God doesn’t make mistakes, so obviously He thinks I am good just the way He made me!
And, this is what I think makes my story so easy to relate to. I am just being who God made me to be. When I write, I just write what I see and its very real. When I tried to write a fictional story one time it made me so mad! I couldn’t do it! I tried over and over again to write a story that I imagined in my head. Finally, I gave up. The desire to write didn’t go away like that story did. It just got stronger as the years have gone by.
Yesterday, I realized that now I have the story God wants me to write. He wants me to just be me. I will warn you that I do not even know how my story will turn out. But, I can be sure of a few things:
1. I can choose Happiness, because I know I belong to Jesus.
2. I have Hope that this is not all there is. Life does’t end with death, it begins.
3. I am so very weak, but that weakness makes me Strong. I am not in this life alone. Even if it feels that way at the moment.
4. I can cry and pour my heart out to God through Prayer and He hears me.
5. Love lasts forever. Once you decide to truly love someone…no matter who it is (spouse, child, parent, friend, etc…) that love never goes away. It is always with you.
This journey I am on confirms all of those things. Seeing your responses yesterday confirms those things as well. I stand amazed as I look through the comments on Facebook. When I read them last night, I took time to look at each one of you who commented and I remembered how I knew you. I was taken back in time to who I was at each of those different points in my life. I was amazed at how happy it made me to look at each of you through your names and pictures on my computer screen and remember how we met or something we had done together. When I did that, I realized that life in itself is a journey. The people who are connected to me are important. I am who I am because I was touched by you. That is an awesome feeling!
Then, it hit me: Greg was a person that was important to me too! We shared more of our lives with each other than we did with anyone else, but I am blessed because I knew him. He helped me get to this point in my life and his impact will last for the rest of my life. I am still here. I won’t get to make any new memories with him, but I have a ton of them to cherish!
So, today I choose Happy. I choose to remember every detail…the good, the bad, and the ugly…and still choose to be happy. I had to make a choice about how I want to live from here on out. And I choose Happy. I want to make new friends and new memories. I know I can’t go through life without Jesus and be happy. I have to know and accept that spiritually I am weak. I can’t do this by myself. But, by choosing to rely not on myself and only on Christ I can be happy. The kingdom of heaven belongs to me because I am weak and He is strong.
When you see me, I hope you see happiness. Even though I feel broken and beat down. Even though I choose not to waste money on makeup that I just cry off. Even though I am too lazy to fix my hair, so I just slap on a hat. Even if I am at a place I did not choose to be in my life. Even though my heart is broken. I choose to be happy for me and for my girls. I want them to look back on their life and say, “My Mama taught me how to be Happy no matter what”. And that, my friends is as real as real gets.