I’ve decided to pick my blog back up. I started this blog four years ago and can I just say…Wow! I read my About Me page and cried. As my cursor hovered over the edit button I realized that I can’t change that page yet.
I sit here tonight in my home completely alone and I realize that reading the excitement I had in my voice at the beginning of this blog is just a memory. I remember the excitement I had when I wrote that page. Life was good, and happy, and whole.
Then Sunday, September 20, 2015 happened. On that day it all changed. Everything. My life, my dreams, my future. Loosing Greg that day has created a hole in my life that is so deep and so wide that I don’t know if it can ever be filled.
I’ve done a lot of grieving and thinking during the past few months. I’ve endured the first birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, family vacation, and New Years without him. I’ve consciously decided to keep living for our girls…and myself. I’ve dug down deep and tried to find the bottom of my hole so that I can try to stand back up. I think I reached the bottom last week. I’m very sure that I was relieved to know that there actually was a bottom somewhere. Once I hit the bottom the only emotion I had left was relief.
I could still breathe. I could still cry. I could still feel something. I could look at myself clearly for the first time in months. The relief that I felt in realizing that I was indeed still alive was wonderful…for like two seconds. Then, the facts came crashing down again and I realized that I wasn’t falling anymore. That was scary, because when I was falling I didn’t feel the weight of this burden. Now that my feet are under me, the weight is almost more than I can bear.
I’m in charge now. For the first time in my life I am completely 100 percent in charge of my life. I do not have to answer to anyone. I do not have to consider how someone else feels about decisions I make inside my home (other than my girls…and they don’t get to be in charge! Ha!). It’s my responsibility to pay all of the bills… and finish the house… and raise our girls. I am 37 years old and for the first time I am literally on my own. Newsflash…this is NOT where I want to be!
I want my husband back. I want my life back. I want normal back! I want the past 108 days to just be a terrible dream. I want to wake up and see him grinning at me. I want to hold his hand and kiss his lips. I want to cook him supper and talk for an hour at the table about life. There are so many things I really, really want; but I know now I can’t have again. Standing up on the rock bottom of your life is awful. And, it’s excruciatingly hard.
Deciding to start this particular blog again was a product of my decision to start living again. God has given me a story that He wants me to tell. Oddly, it started four years ago on this very page. Telling My Story Today is meant to help me. And you. I feel so strongly that God has called me to just write what’s happening each day that I can’t help but be a little amazed at how He has brought it all together. I’ve always wanted to write, but couldn’t find the story. Now I have one! I pray that when you read my honest words you will be able to see that I may be telling my story…but God is writing it. Wow!
This is no where near the story I thought I would tell on this blog. However, I know where my help comes from; it comes from the Lord. Every word written here is for a purpose. I don’t have eyes for worthless things anymore. I desperately want and need the life that God designed for me. I can’t say that I really like it at this point, but maybe one day I will. I invite you to read this story with me as time moves forward. If it is anything like the past 108 days…you might want to hang on! We are on one wild ride! Wow.